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Oh dear. Failed.

Any diet plan I've tried so far this year I have failed. And we're not even 2 weeks in. I'm going to do meal replacements again I think for breakfast, and lunch if I can get away with it. I'm going to buy some rice cakes if I can, and some low cal bars to carry around for the hypoglycemic attacks. I think it's more realistic for me to cut down on calories than start some faddy diet or exercise regime.

I need to find a way to control myself during the day time. Why can't I control myself at all ?? I know at some point I had control over this food thing... I feel so far from that now.

I need help.

Still hatin'

I still think about Andrew all the time. About the little things he used to do. About how much I hurt him. About how he made Christmas magical for me. And then I cry and cry and cry. I had the best man in the whole world and I lost him because I'm a fucking dickface. I literally hate myself. I have never wanted to die so much in my life.

Such a fail at life.

Fucked up with Andrew. He was the love of my life and I pushed him away with my fucking ridiculous bullshit. Why do I let other people tell me how to feel? I didn't self harm once when I was with him because I was happy and settled. WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKTARD ??? I would literally give anything in the world to be back together with him. I hate myself for crushing such an amazing person. I hate myself, full stop. I have never wanted to die so badly in my whole life. I just don't want to be in pain any more. I really wish I wasn't here. I love him, and I'm so sorry about the way I treated him. I'm a nice person usually... FML. WHY DID I PUSH AWAY THE OBLY PERSON THAT EVER LOVED ME ???? I really need someone to hold me right now. I miss him. I wish he knew just how much.

It's been a long time.

I can't believe I haven't written here in such a long time. It's been all ups and downs to be honest. Nothing has changed weight-wise, although there is no denying that I'm depressed again... Yipee.



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January 2015


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